Jealousy is a dangerous spark

I haven't written in a while but I have been very busy. There is a lot going on with the Da Capo Institute and things are definitely crazy at my "day job" for a major financial.

I was thinking this morning about what keeps me from connecting with other people. I am a people person, but I often hear that with me it is either all in or all out.. People love me or they hate me. This can be difficult to handle even when I'm among the population who "loves" me. Soooo, I have begun some introspective analysis. What am I doing that influences, enhances, or hinders my relationships. I quickly moved past the big stuff. (e.g. personality, size, volume, passion) Those are the easy targets.

The hard stuff is underneath all that. What really makes me tick? I wonder what Sylar(from NBC's Heroes) would find inside my head. My strengths are likely to be huge weaknesses. I began to think about how I declare success as a performer or even a manager and again I ended up in a quagmire or questions not answers.

I am a recovering control freak who takes every day as an opportunity.
I am ultra competetive and I want to win. (almost no matter the cost)

I am passionately confident about my leadership abilities and my insight/instincts.
I don't have much use for over controlling institutional models. I believe that individuals with communities are the most valuable commodity in the world.
I am jealous of others' successes. Yes I said it. I have an intense desire to do better than everyone else. The problem is that the rules are so subjective and ultimately I am more deconstructionist in my thinking than I admit. Maturity is working on me with that one.
I am passionately committed to my family even when they drive me crrrazy.

I read a post this am about upcoming auditions for the Greater Richmond Children's Choirs and I suddenly realized that I am jealous of GRCC's "success". I don't even know if they are "really" successful nor how to define it, yet I react violently to even reading about them. They actually exist which should be a good thing for Richmond and my musical communities ideal, but I also know that I don't agree with their militaristic expectations and control model in regards to the music. I have seen their performances and they are indeed top notch, but at what cost?

That is the question now isn't it. Even in my own performances, I'm not willing to pay the costs to travel and perform, even assuming I could get the gigs these days. I want to build musicians not just make music. I'm not willing to burn up myself or musicians for performance results even though my methods take longer to produce. I don't like them. I don't agree with their leadership nor their approach but I shouldn't fixate on their acceptance by the cultural elite. Ahhhh, this is a bit of a rant sorry.

I frequently hear about performances of peers and friends on major stages and venues and I am even jealous of them. Why can't I just be happy where I am? Arrgghh

Thou shalt not covet. There it is. I guess I have something else to add to my personal development plan.

Comments

Kavbar said…
Jeff -- any of us who is willing to be truthful can understand your comments. I, for one, will admit to similar problems in my own life. It is indeed tough to realize that the good Lord has no favorites -- we are all "favorites," actually. Yet, it is liberating to realize that very thing, because we are free to flourish with the opportunities we do have. You know I love cliches and generalizations; here's one: "God is my artist manager." Would that I could always remember that!

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