Disillusioned but searching

I am pretty disillusioned by most churches these days, even HRBC to a certain extent. What those few folks did to me at Branch's was just the icing on the cake...I'm not blaming, more like taking ownership of my role in all of it.. I am struggling to find the importance of what I have to offer these days, versus the potential damage to my family.. The risk seems so great...but I am trying to be true to my calling.. No answers on how to proceed yet. Time will tell.

I want a new way to do worship and missions where liturgy, and beauty matter more, but people are still focused on helping one another- focused outward on impacting their communities, not their churches... I no longer believe in the mechanism of the church that I have grown up in.. but it is the best out there until a newer model comes of age. Talking with Mclaren last week was enlightening... I am not sure he and his team are any further along than I am in my thinking.. Only difference is his last 20 years were rooted in a Willow Creek model.. and mine in more traditional Baptist churches.. We are both seeking a new way/approach.. Blah blah blah..talk is cheap... I know... when I have something more tangible, I will try it... community is the key.. building layered communities that overlap contexts and support one another...

For me, life outside of church leadership is strangely empty.. but before I return to it, I have be sure that I am not acting on some self-aggrandizing motive, and that I have nothing to prove to anyone but God... tough for someone like me. The allure of a platform to preach from, and musicians to teach and encourage is so enticing... Question is whether the attraction is about me, or about God..

I think I know the answer, I just want to be sure.

Tracee and I have several ideas.. We have definite plans to start a next generation arts school(cool stuff, pretty cutting edge if it works), begin a semi professional vocal ensemble, and maybe even start a church sometime in the future. All big talk, but something is definitely on the edge of breaking out. She is more excited than I am about most of this.. I am spending a lot of time investing in people around me, and thinking about what our next base of operations needs to look like. I am sure that there is a plan, I'm just not sure God will tell me what it is.. ;)

As far as working in a local church right now... I know I can do the jobs around here.. question is whether I should..for now.. we plan to become contributing members of our local "church - base of ops" and see how we can do the most good for God, not for the church..

Kingdom work is the goal.. the action plan will vary according to the purpose God reveals...and the story is constantly changing and evolving... there is no correct answer ... there is just a story which we are all a part of... we all play our part on the stage...


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